Punishments Prevent Progress

A supermarket trip taught me about parenting. Here’s why.

Sam and I visited the local supermarket during our lunch break.

“Geez, can you hear that kid being reprimanded for eating some candy straight off the shelf?” I whispered to Sam, pointing in the direction of the next aisle.”

“Yeah, good luck to that parent”, responded Sam.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s assume the kid knows better and was intentionally trying to cause problems. And that’s a big assumption. Do you think reprimanding will help correct the kid’s moral compass?”

“Doesn’t it usually?”, I queried.

“Temporarily, but at what cost? And to what end?”

Something in my head clicked.

Alfie Kohn helps us understand that punishments and rewards both produce only temporary results, and at a cost.

One of these costs is hindering (versus helping) the moral growth of our children.

The threat of punishments makes children ask themselves “What do they want me to do, and what is the consequence to me if I don’t do it?”. And the promise of rewards makes them ask “What do they want me to do, and what do I get for doing it?”.

Both questions encourage the child to consider the consequence of their actions on themselves. Neither question encourages the child to consider the consequences of their actions on other people.

When punishments are employed consistently, children are incentivised to weigh up the cost of being caught, and find ways to conceal their actions - including lying. Moral development is not possible.

Kohn furthers, “A heavy-handed parenting style does nothing to promote, and actually may undermine, children’s moral development. Those who are pressured to do as they’re told are unlikely to think through ethical dilemmas for themselves. This can quickly create a vicious circle: The less chance they have to make decisions about the right way to act, the more likely they are to act in ways that will cause their parents to cite their irresponsibility as a reason for continuing to deny them the right to choose.”

Rewards are no better. Is our goal to help our child become compliant, or independent?

The takeaway? If our goal is to raise independent children with a formed moral compass, we must move from asking “how do I get my child to do what I want [through punishments and rewards]?” to the more important question of “what does my child need, and how can I meet those needs?”

PS: For a walkthrough on how to read a Conflict Cloud diagram such as the above, please see this video.