Be Curious Before Furious

My friend’s Post-it taught me about management.

Staring at Sam’s desk, I asked “Why do you have a Post-it that reads ‘Be curious before furious’?”

“As a new father, you really feel the anger rising sometimes”, replied Sam. “My son Bilbo cried all the time, didn’t say ‘thank you’, and had a penchant for pooping on the carpet.”

“But why ‘Be curious before furious’?”

“Have you ever tried to change someone’s behaviour using rewards or punishments?”

“My parents used to pay me to clean our cat’s litter tray.”

“How’d that go?”, asked Sam.

“Fine - until I looked for any shortcut to get the task done faster, and money quicker.”

“Exactly! Psychologist Alfie Kohn warns that rewards and punishments only produce temporary compliance, and reduce interest in the task that has to be done to get the reward. No wonder you looked for shortcuts.”

“How’s that relate to Bilbo?”

“Punishments and rewards briefly improved his crying, carpet poos, and thank yous - then they got worse.”, suggested Sam.

“Why?”

“We need to first be clear in our goal as a parent. My goal wasn’t compliance - to make Bilbo behave in the way I wanted. Though, that can be tempting. My goal is to help him become an independent man.”

“I like that. Where do rewards and punishments come in?”

“If my goal were compliance, rewards and punishments offer progress that’s temporary at best. They target symptoms - the behaviours, and do nothing for the underlying cause of those behaviours - the unmet needs. With my goal being independence, I needed to understand Bilbo’s unmet needs, and help him develop methods to meet them. The behaviours then unwound themselves.”

“What were his unmet needs?”

“Bilbo’s crying was a symptom of his unmet need for rest and a consistent sleep cycle. His lack of thank yous were due to a need to connect with others and learn to empathise. And his rogue poos were due to a need to learn his body’s early signs of pooing. He needed a poo-torial. If I wanted Bilbo to become independent, I needed to help him with these things. What good would come of rewards and punishments?”

Something clicked. I’d seen businesses rank their sales people. Top performers were rewarded, and the remainder reprimanded or fired.

This makes no sense. When ranking, there’s always winners and losers. And, by firing those at the bottom, the business lost valuable learning: what quality of the organisation or the product consistently got in the way of closing sales?

The takeaway? Helping kids and businesses achieve long-term goals comes from being curious, and understanding the reason behind behaviours or performance. The alternative is rogue poos.